62. Why People Pleasers Overshare; Regain Your Inner Peace & Power in 4 Steps

Do you ever walk away from a conversation thinking, “Why did I say all that?”
You’re not alone — and there’s nothing wrong with you. Oversharing is a sneaky people-pleasing habit that feels like connection… but usually leaves us feeling exposed, regretful, or misunderstood. I'm breaking down why we do it — and how to quit this habit to take back your peace and power.

In this episode you’ll learn:

• 5 hidden reasons people pleasers overshare (and none of them mean you’re broken)
• How your urge to explain everything is actually about self-trust
• A personal story of a boundary that changed the course of my life
• 4 powerful ways to start protecting your energy without losing your warmth

This one’s for the person who’s tired of handing out their heart like a business card — and is ready to feel safe keeping some things sacred.

If you'd like to know more about what 1:1 coaching looks like, please email me at heidi@masteringmidlifewithheidi.com or schedule a Clarity Call: https://calendly.com/heidi-gustafson/30min

Visit my YouTube channel for more resources: https://www.youtube.com/@MasteringMidlifeWithHeidi

Get on my email list and stay up-to-date on all the happenings by downloading my FREE guide - 20 Ways To Say "No" Without Guilt: https://www.masteringmidlifewithheidi.com/join-the-community

Transcript

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Welcome to Mastering Midlife with Heidi. I'm Heidi, certified hypnotist and mindset coach, and in this podcast, I'm breaking down my secret code for midlife success. Are you trying to overcome people-pleasing behaviors, navigating divorce, living in debilitating self-doubt, or something else keeping you stuck? You're in the right place. I know that you're ready to get to the next level of your life feeling happy and fulfilled, so let's get started. Hey there, welcome back to Mastering Midlife with Heidi. Today we're diving into something I was asked to talk about from a commenter on one of my recent YouTube videos. It's a sneaky habit that so many recovering people pleasers fall into without even realizing it, and that is oversharing. If you've ever walked away from a conversation thinking, ugh, why did I just tell them all that? They didn't need to know it. 1. You're not alone. 2. There's a reason you do it. Actually, there are several reasons. And understanding those reasons is a huge part of healing from people-pleasing. Oversharing isn't about being open and vulnerable in a healthy way. And I'm not talking about oversharing just because we're chatty. I'm talking about that feeling where we share too much because deep down, we're trying to earn trust or to be believed or to be liked. Or we're trying to manage how the other person sees us. Even when the person we're talking to hasn't earned that kind of access to us. And the hard truth, oversharing rarely gets us the connection we're craving. It usually leaves us feeling exposed, misunderstood, or even a little regretful afterward. Today, I'm giving you five reasons people pleasers overshare, what's really going on underneath that, and how to start protecting your energy and your story better without shutting yourself down or pretending to be someone you're not. I'm also sharing a personal story about a moment when I felt the deep urge to share and explain and then backpedal and how guarding my heart in that moment actually changed the course of my life. If you're new here, welcome. I'm happy you're here and thanks for listening. If you're returning, thank you for joining me again. So let's dive in. Why do we overshare? Here are five big reasons I see come up again and again. The first one is, we fear not being believed. When we're afraid someone's going to question us, to doubt us, our decisions, our experiences, our feelings, we tend to go into overdrive. We pile on extra details to convince them. We give away too much information to convince them that we're valid. And it's not about sharing because we feel safe. It's about sharing because we feel anxious. And the more anxious we feel, the more we talk. We think if we explain enough, they'll have to believe us. But really that fear is about not trusting ourselves first. Number two, this one deserves its own spotlight, and that is the compulsive need to explain ourselves, otherwise known as justifying our existence. We've been wired to think we have to justify every boundary, every no, every need. We've been conditioned to think we have to earn our decisions and our feelings. So what happens? We explain and explain and explain. Oversharing becomes a way of trying to soften the blow, to avoid judgment, or get permission we don't actually need. It's like we're asking permission to take up space, to exist. Oof, this next reason that we overshare hits hard. Have you ever overshared with somebody that you barely knew? We do this because we want to be liked and accepted, and that is reason number three. Sometimes we overshare with people we barely know or people who've already shown they aren't safe. But we do it because we crave connection. We hand over vulnerable parts of ourselves, hoping it will create maybe instant intimacy. But instead, it often leaves us feeling exposed, misunderstood, or even used negatively. Sometimes we open up way too much, way too soon, with people who haven't earned that level of trust. We spill our guts hoping to fast track closeness. Deep down, we're hoping that if we're vulnerable enough, they'll like us, approve of us, choose us. Oversharing becomes a way to try to control their opinion, to make sure they see us the way we want to be seen. But a lot of times, those people have already shown us they're not safe with our vulnerability. We might have seen red flags, but we ignore them because the need for belonging feels stronger than anything else. Deep down, the need to be accepted overrides our inner wisdom. The next reason that we overshare has to do with people pleasers being world-class emotional managers. So reason number four is that we feel responsible for how others feel. We think if we don't explain every detail, someone will misunderstand, get hurt, or be mad at us, and then it'll somehow be our job to fix it. We think if we don't tell the whole story, the backstory, the context, the why behind the why, they'll misunderstand us, and that becomes our fault. So we try to manage their feelings with a flood of information. We try to get ahead of it by oversharing, over-explaining, over-justifying, all in an attempt to prevent someone else's emotional discomfort. If you grew up being dismissed, not listened to, or feeling invisible, oversharing can be a survival strategy. And that is reason number five, is that it becomes a habit. Oversharing becomes a habit from childhood of maybe feeling not validated. So it becomes a survival strategy. And you might have learned to overshare just to be taken seriously or to get attention. And you equate that attention to caring from the other person or acceptance from the other person. It's like your nervous system now is saying, if I can just explain enough, they'll finally see me. They'll finally understand me. So if the other person doesn't immediately nod and agree or We dump even more information, hoping to get their approval. This is not your fault. Again, it's an old survival strategy, but it's time to let it go. You might be thinking, Yeah, how do I let it go? I'm going to give you four things you can do, but first I want to share a quick story with you about a time I saw all of this play out in my own life. Toward the end of my third marriage, which only lasted 10 months, I had really started waking up to how unhealthy and damaging the relationship was, not just to my self-esteem, but to my health and my stress levels. One night we were having a conversation at the dinner table, and honestly, I don't even remember what it was about. But I found myself shutting down. I wasn't sharing like I used to. And he could tell. He confronted me about it. And I remember looking at him and saying, very simply, very kindly, I feel like I need to guard my heart. His reaction? He acted really hurt and got angry. He uttered, That's the cruelest thing you've ever said to me. And he immediately shut me out. He stonewalled me and left the table. The people pleaser in me wanted so badly to backpedal, to apologize, to smooth it over. But my intuition and my heart were so clear. Stay silent. Do not undo the boundary you just set. That moment was a turning point for me. It gives me goosebumps. It taught me that not everyone deserves full access to your heart just because they demand it or because they're your spouse or family or someone you've been friends with for 30 years. You do not owe your allegiance or your loyalty to anyone, especially when they've shown you that they don't honor it or you. Honor is a two-way street. And if someone can't honor your heart, your trust, or your well-being, they do not deserve unlimited access to you or the thoughts that are on your heart. It also showed me that guarding my heart isn't cruel. Sometimes it's necessary. So if you're wondering, okay, how do I even start breaking the habit of oversharing? How do I do that without being mean or selfish, or without swinging to the other extreme and shutting down completely? I've got you. Let's talk about a few steps you can start practicing right away. The first one is to pause before you speak. Before you start explaining, take a breath. Ask yourself, what's my intention here? Why am I about to share this? What am I hoping it will give me? Am I sharing to connect or am I sharing to control how they see me? As always, awareness is the first step to changing something, and answering these questions for yourself will bring awareness. 2. Get comfortable with silence. Practice discomfort, yours and theirs. Oversharing often comes from feeling uncomfortable with pauses or feeling like we have to fill every silence. Let it feel uncomfortable. Sitting there that night saying that at the dinner table was extremely uncomfortable. It was hard. But you don't have to fill every silence or explain anything. Practice letting a conversation breathe without rushing in to fill it. Practice feeling uncomfortable. If you want to learn to play the piano or to do anything new, you have to practice. It's the only way you'll learn to get better. 3. Set personal sharing boundaries Not everyone deserves access to your inner world. Before you open up, ask yourself, have they earned the right to hear this part of me? It doesn't matter if you've been married for 20 years or it's family or a lifelong friend. If the answer is no, it's okay to keep it close to your heart. Sharing your feelings, your stories, your vulnerability, these are gifts. They are not obligations. You get to decide who's earned the right to hear your deeper truths. And the fourth step is to practice saying less and trusting more. You do not need a 12-paragraph essay to justify your feelings. Start practicing short, simple statements like, no, that doesn't work for me, without the long-winded backstory. I have a friend who was going through something really rough recently, and she was waiting for test results. When she messaged me with a brief text about what they had found out, she finished her message with, I'd appreciate space to not talk about it further for a bit. What a great way to honor herself in the process. And had she not said that, I most likely would have jumped into a bunch of questions. Saying less and speaking up for what you need without explanation is kind and loving to yourself and the other person. Imagine how much more peace you'd feel if you didn't leave conversations second-guessing everything you said. Imagine not needing everyone to get it or to get you in order to trust yourself. Imagine feeling proud of what you shared and even prouder of what you chose to keep to yourself, to keep sacred. And imagine sharing your heart only with people who have shown you they can be trusted with it. Sharing in this way allows you to be more you, without all the second guessing and regret that comes from oversharing, especially with the wrong people. And every time you choose to not overshare and protect your heart, like I did that night, even though it was extremely hard, you are taking your power back. Remember, oversharing doesn't make you more lovable. You are already lovable. 100% lovable. Already enough. No one owes anyone a running commentary of their life to deserve connection. Alright, that's what I have for you today. If this episode hit home, share it with a friend who might need to hear it too. And if you're ready to go deeper into healing your boundaries and trusting your voice, book a free clarity call with me to talk about resources that would help you. My calendar link is in the episode description. I'm proud of you for being here, for doing the work and giving yourself permission to grow. Is there a topic you'd like me to cover here on the podcast or in a YouTube video? You can easily shoot me a text through the link in the description of this episode. I'd love to hear from you. And don't forget to check out my videos over on YouTube at Mastering Midlife with Heidi. I'll close with this quote by philosopher Carissa Valise. Oversharing is how you leak energy. Privacy is power. Thanks for listening. Talk to you soon. Thank you for spending time with me today. To continue on your journey of mastering midlife, click the link in the description to download my free guide, 20 ways to say no without feeling guilty. See you in the next episode.